“One criticism is that smoking can give you cancer but gold can’t. While this appears to be true based on what science currently tells us, remember that there was a time when science told us that everything revolved around the Earth.”
Ted Wilson Reviews The World #192. Cigarette$  4 Gold gets 5 out of 5 stars.
“The rocking chair is widely considered the second most dangerous chair, succeeded only by the electric chair. The La-Z-Boy comes in a close third.”
Ted Wilson Reviews The World #188. Rocking chairs review 1 out of 5 stars.
“Everyone uses a pen, so it is pretty much the best place to advertise. Better than TV (Amish) and better than billboards (speeders).”
Ted Wilson Reviews The World #187Personalized pens receive 4 out of 5 stars.
“As a cologne, I simply can’t recommend this. As a beverage, the price is still a bit steep, but if you’re thirsty and there aren’t any other choices, then okay.”
Ted Wilson Reviews The World #186. His new cologne receives 1 out of 5 stars.


The roughly 150 guests ranged from close family members of the bride and groom to coworkers of their parents. Those in attendance were revolted that McIntyre’s hair was too short to put into a French twist, a center-swept knot or even a chignon.
“I feel like I don’t even know her anymore,” commented bridesmaid Sofia Peters, McIntyre’s college roommate. “I was helping her plan the wedding and we never discussed this as a possibility. Never.”

Elissa Bassist plugged Reductress on The Rumpus yesterday and I thought I might as well see what the fuss was about.

P.S. THIS IS SATIRE. It is like the Onion but for how the world is terrible to/for women.

“Some people mistake yawning for being a sign of disinterest. Others – mostly perverts – mistake it as an invitation for fellatio.”
Ted Wilson Reviews The World #181. Yawning receives 2 out of 5 stars.

I was immersing myself in women’s literature the other day—by that I mean I was reading a cookbook—and that’s when I knew what I should do. I will write the next Great American Woman’s Novel. It’ll be part romance fiction/journal/doodles/musings/sestina about kittens and friendship/an illuminating treatise about the way we live now/word cloud, and it will cover the typical subject matters women write about: marriage, motherhood, yogurt, dating as a competitive sport, emotional warfare, housework, tampons, rainbows, midwifery, gardening, hysteria, beauty products, weight gain, weight loss, the art of being shrill, divorce, magic, and light bondage.

One chapter will be an audio file of Taylor Swift songs.
One chapter will be just emojis.
One chapter will be my grocery list.
One chapter will be a link to my Pinterest page.
One chapter will be manufactured with drops of my blood, sweat, and tears.
One chapter will be me making a sandwich for all the “American Novelists.”

If I have any deep, universal, logical thoughts or opinions, I’ll write them down on Post-Its and then chew them up and swallow them to maintain the illusion women don’t write about those things.

FUNNY WOMEN #100: Writing The Next Great American Woman’s Novel by the inimitable Elissa Bassist

“Book soup would have been more interesting because I often get very bored eating soup, and there are only so many words you can make with a handful of letters. With a book there would be hours of entertainment. It’s likely no one has ever invented book soup because of copyright restrictions and licensing fees.”
Ted Wilson Reviews The World #180. Alphabet soup receives 3 out of 5 stars.

Ted Wilson Reviews The World #179: Slimer gets 4 out of 5 stars.

His actual name is not Slimer. No one knows his real name or who he was before he died. Nor does anyone know how he died. His missing legs may be a clue. Perhaps they were blown off in combat and he bled to death. Or maybe he just never had legs. Whatever the circumstances of his passing, something kept him here on Earth. Possibly his search for his missing legs.

It makes no sense that he would eat. As a ghost, his physical manifestation has no way to metabolize the food he consumes. My guess is that it’s an emotional based eating, possibly a cry for help.