On the poster Swimmy appears to be in love with a boy but then again maybe dolphins don’t even have genders. They’re supposed to be mammals but I’ve never seen a dolphin with breasts. I’ve always had to draw them on myself. If Dolphin Tale 3 has human/dolphin hybrids then I guess I’ll have my answer.

Should you go see Dolphin Tale 2? I mean what’s the worst that could happen?

Ted Wilson Reviews The World #252, Dolphin Tale 3 out of 5 stars.
“A lot of people think of Christopher Columbus as that guy so obsessed with spices that he was willing to risk lives just to make his food taste a little different. Even the world’s top chefs wouldn’t be willing to let people die just to make the perfect dish. Columbus was the ultimate foodie.”
TED WILSON REVIEWS THE WORLD #254: Christopher Columbus gets 2 out of 5 stars. PRETTY GENEROUS TED.
“There’s no denying that movie theater popcorn is the best popcorn. It goes movie theater popcorn, homemade popcorn, microwaved popcorn, pre-popped dollar store popcorn, and then popcorn-flavored jelly beans. In the future someone will invent a better type of popcorn that is popped while still on the cob! Only rich people will be able to afford it.”
“We made conversation for a bit and when we ran out of things to talk about he put on a movie called The NeverEnding Story. I didn’t know how literal that title was but it was already late and I couldn’t commit to an infinite movie. I stayed until I saw the scary wormdog and then I excused myself.”
Ted Wilson Reviews The World #251. Two out of five stars goes to this free teddy bear party.
“This is my 250th review, and marks the end of five years of reviewing the world. It’s been an amazing five years. In part because of my reviews, but also because I started doing Pilates.”
Ted Wilson Reviews The World #250. The end only gets 4 out of 5 stars.

Ted Wilson Turns Five!

CONGRATULATE TED YOURSELF! Call him at: 617-379-2576 or send him a personal message via The Rumpus (scroll down).

“How’d I get into art? Art chose me the moment I realized I could handle it. After watching my start-up blossom into the 300-person company that it became under my inimitable leadership, and with the help of marketing data from undisclosed online sources, I think I can honestly say I definitely know what people think they want. They want inspiration. They want decisiveness and intention. They want evocative-ness and a royal blue motif, rendered fuzzy through the application of three layers of Instagram filters, with a sweeping, sad, hyper-real statement like, “LIFE IS BULLSHIT” hastily scrawled across the middle third. People want to walk around a gallery, stop at your framed picture of the sculpture you 3D printed and imagine it hanging tastefully above their electronic fireplaces, and they also want to know that over 27 hours of despair and some irony went into it. But most of all they want to feel understood. And well-liked.”
“Simon’s best known song is one where he requests the listeners refer to him as Al. It’s a strange request and I’m not sure why he would want that. It’s his first name but with the P and U removed. Is he secretly saying “pee you” to his listeners? Why? What is it that smells? I’ll never understand songwriters.”



★★★★☆ (4 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing marshmallows.

If clouds were made of soft sugar, and then smushed up into little puffy, stubby cylinders – that’s what a marshmallow would be. But that’s not what a marshmallow is. I’m not entirely sure what a marshmallow is, but I am sure I love them.

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“Right now there is a shortage of water in California. One of the worst in its history. The people in the cities may be fortunate enough to not notice it, but it’s those in the rest of the state are being hit hard. I’m surprised by this because of California’s close proximity to the Pacific Ocean, which is almost nothing but water. According to my calculations it’s about 80% water, 10% fish, and 10% mystery.”
TED WILSON REVIEWS THE WORLD #246: the California Drought gets 2 out of 5 stars.