Ted Wilson Turns Five!

CONGRATULATE TED YOURSELF! Call him at: 617-379-2576 or send him a personal message via The Rumpus (scroll down).

“How’d I get into art? Art chose me the moment I realized I could handle it. After watching my start-up blossom into the 300-person company that it became under my inimitable leadership, and with the help of marketing data from undisclosed online sources, I think I can honestly say I definitely know what people think they want. They want inspiration. They want decisiveness and intention. They want evocative-ness and a royal blue motif, rendered fuzzy through the application of three layers of Instagram filters, with a sweeping, sad, hyper-real statement like, “LIFE IS BULLSHIT” hastily scrawled across the middle third. People want to walk around a gallery, stop at your framed picture of the sculpture you 3D printed and imagine it hanging tastefully above their electronic fireplaces, and they also want to know that over 27 hours of despair and some irony went into it. But most of all they want to feel understood. And well-liked.”
“Simon’s best known song is one where he requests the listeners refer to him as Al. It’s a strange request and I’m not sure why he would want that. It’s his first name but with the P and U removed. Is he secretly saying “pee you” to his listeners? Why? What is it that smells? I’ll never understand songwriters.”



★★★★☆ (4 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing marshmallows.

If clouds were made of soft sugar, and then smushed up into little puffy, stubby cylinders – that’s what a marshmallow would be. But that’s not what a marshmallow is. I’m not entirely sure what a marshmallow is, but I am sure I love them.

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“Right now there is a shortage of water in California. One of the worst in its history. The people in the cities may be fortunate enough to not notice it, but it’s those in the rest of the state are being hit hard. I’m surprised by this because of California’s close proximity to the Pacific Ocean, which is almost nothing but water. According to my calculations it’s about 80% water, 10% fish, and 10% mystery.”
TED WILSON REVIEWS THE WORLD #246: the California Drought gets 2 out of 5 stars.
“My website (iamtedwilson.com) is 100% free to everyone as long as you have the Internet. If you don’t have the Internet you can mail me a SASE and I will print out a copy of my website and mail it back to you. If the printer at Kinkos breaks I will even write down my website by hand. Please expect 8-10 weeks for delivery if that should happen.”
TED WILSON REVIEWS THE WORLD #245. He gives his website 4 out of 5 stars.
“Since the beginning of time, light has come from the sky, but at some point someone decided, “Hey, let’s make it come from an object at eye level instead.” What a mistake that was.”
“Bedtime is the best time because it means you are about to go to sleep, and sleep is where dreams happen. Some of my favorite memories are dreams. Like the time the Tootsie Pop owl called me on the phone. I wish that had happened in real life.”
TED WILSON REVIEWS THE WORLD #243. Bedtime gets five out of five stars.
“Once, when locked in my closet for a few days, I ate my chest hair to stay alive. The doctor later told me it had no nutritional value but I didn’t know that, and the placebo effect kept me going. Now that the doctor told me the truth, I’ll have to find something else to eat if I ever get locked in there again.”