“Whatsapp must be amazing. Really amazing. So amazing that owning it is better than using that money for all the other things one could do with nine billions dollars. That’s a pretty amazing company when you think about it. Wow!”
“Most people think salt licks are meant only for horses or desperately hungry people. However, salt licks are also perfect for regular people who want an easily accessible supply of salt without the hassle of trying to get a salt shaker through a metal detector.”
“There were women in the halftime show, and of course there were cheerleaders, but none of the players were women, as far as I could tell. There are some very powerful and independent women out there who could easily play football. Gidget, Punky Brewster, or Beyoncé to name a few.”
“The sponge gets smaller every month. To maximize efficiency, I buy smaller dishes each month. Proportionally speaking, the sponge remains the same size. It makes me feel like I’m growing, which has the side effect of filling me with confidence.”
“Moby-Dick by Herman Melville: If we get him, we get him. If we don’t, we don’t. There are probably other white whales out there. We can hunt them! In any case, attachment to one goal is unbalanced. Process is more important than results. Also, inner wholeness. I’ve seen the white whale go by more than once, but I haven’t said anything. Ahab would thank me if he fully grasped the importance of letting go.”
“Reason 1. The other day, I waved hello to two coworkers when I saw them together outside of the office. They didn’t wave back. At first I thought they must hate me. I turned the wave gesture into a fake one-armed stretch gesture to save face. It worked. But then I thought, wait, who could hate me? Maybe they just didn’t see me! Maybe no one sees me! Maybe I’ve been dead for 30 years.
Reason 2. I texted my boyfriend a hilarious photo: I photoshopped the two of us together under an altar. He hasn’t texted back yet. At first I was nervous that I freaked him out by very subtly reminding him of marriage and how I want to get married now and how I really don’t want to wait that long and everyone I know is engaged. Then I realized he didn’t respond because he didn’t get it! Because I never sent it! Because my ghost fingers can’t even touch an iPhone keypad.
Reason 3. The waiter just asked my friend what kind of toast she wanted with her eggs. Then the waiter took my egg order and walked away, not asking about what kind of toast I wanted. “Sourdough?” I called after him, wistfully. He barely turned around. I always immediately jump to rage and frustration, but I’m trying to learn to accept that only a few select “chosen ones” can see me. I guess I’m not really at this restaurant at all. I’m trying to remember–did I pull out my own chair?”
“The center of the Earth is a place of wonder and mystery. Some people believe it’s full of mole men. This is untrue. I know this is untrue because mole men aren’t real and probably never were. I say probably because I’m not willing to say mole men are impossible.”